The Many Phases of Jane

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In Barbarella

Borders Books, 3637 Peachtree Road. 404-237-0707.

Jane Fonda may have quit acting when she married Ted Turner in 1991, but her retirement, like the marriage, didn't take. Over the next month, the Oscar-winning Atlanta resident makes a splashy return to the pop culture limelight. She releases her memoir, My Life So Far, on April 5, then stars in her first leading role in more than a decade as Jennifer Lopez's mother-in-law in the comedy Monster-in-Law, opening May 6. And DVDs of her famed workout tapes will be released April 26.

Review copies of Fonda's book have not been made available to the press, but Creative Loafing's Bureau of Imaginary Journalism has uncovered this facsimile of the book's index, which provides intriguing hints of its contents.

Barbarella (1968)

Furthering cause of feminism by playing sci-fi sexpot in, p. 99

Sick of being asked about, p. 100, 176, 223, 282, 319, 445, 509, 624

Wondering why husband Roger Vadim makes her keep dressing up as, p. 110-123

Barefoot in the Park (1967)

Swapping moisturizing tips with Robert Redford in, p. 84

BulimiaBest ladies rooms at Vassar to throw up in, p. 49

Cat Ballou (1965)

Preparing feline behavior for, p. 87

Realizing her character is not actually a cat in, p. 88

China Syndrome, The (1979)

Five weeks spent learning Chinese for, p. 380

Two-hour tantrum after finding out film has nothing to do with China, p. 382

Thanking Three Mile Island managers for cross-promotional nuclea accident, p. 386

Coming Home (1978)

Playing handicapped veteran's wife in, p. 244

Waiting for role to dispel "Hanoi Jane" image, p. 259

Winning Best Actress Oscar for, p. 260

Fonda, Peter (brother)

Arguing over whose film roles most embarrassed Dad in the 1960s, p. 399

First sampling brownies from his special recipe, p. 80

Fonda, Henry (father)The Grapes of Wrath, 12 Angry Men performances as Hollywood inspiration, p. 31

Meteor, The Swarm performances as Hollywood cautionary tale, p. 32

Hanoi HiltonMaking reservations for, p. 199

Discovering it's not really a Hotel, p. 201

"Hanoi Jane"Hoping nickname doesn't stick after ill-considered Vietnam visit, p. 210

Still waiting for nickname to go away, p. 491, 567, 624

Wondering if nickname will be on tombstone, p. 623

Hayden, Tom (marriage, 1973-1990)

Complaining he didn't talk her out of ill-considered Vietnam visit, p. 211

Klute (1971)

Comparing showbiz to prostitution, p. 148-149

Delighted to win Oscar for, p. 150

Wondering why husband Roger Vadim makes her keep dressing up as, p. 153

Monster-in-Law (2005)

Finding out from Jennifer Lopez why they call her "J-Lo," p. 608

Insisting on being addressed as "J-Fo," p. 609

Morning After, The (1986)

Going on drunken benders as research for, p. 524

Realizing that research does no good if you can't remember it, p. 525

Nine to Five (1980)

Fun working with Dolly Parton on, p. 487

Trying to get that damn song out of her head, p. 488

OscarsGetting Best Actress for Coming Home, p. 260

Getting Best Actress for Klute, p. 150

Reminding Dad after On Golden Pond that he still only has one, p. 418

Reminding Peter that he doesn't have any, p. 220, 340, 560

Plastic surgeryReconciling workout empowerment ethos with elective cosmetic surgery, p. 504

They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969)

Four weeks spent shooting horses as research for, p. 133

Three-hour tantrum after finding out film has nothing to do with horses, p. 134

TreasonSelective definition of, p. 200

Turner, Ted (marriage, 1991-2001)Reasons he's not crazy, p. 547

Reasons she wasn't crazy for marrying him, p. 553-554

Reasons for separating from him, p. 580-592 (with chart)

Vadim, Roger (marriage, 1965-1973)

Directing sex-charged scenes in Barbarella, p. 99

Directing sex-charged scenes in La Ronde, p. 88

Directing sex-charged scenes over breakfast, during cab rides, etc., p. 113

VietnamDenial of giving aid and comfort to the enemy, p. 212

Denial of letting Ho Chi Minh play with her Oscar, p. 213

Justification for visit to support Viet Cong, p. 199

Post-visit apology for showing support of Viet Cong, p. 219

WorkoutsBenefit workout for Equal Rights Amendment, p. 456

Fat-burning fundraiser for migrant farm workers, p. 457

Low-impact aerobics for Georgia Campaign for Adolescent Pregnancy Prevention (G-CAPP), p. 513

Total body sculpting gala for Native American justice, p. 458

curt.holman@creativeloafing.com