'Twas the holiday eve, when all through the house
Not a user was clicking on a cordless mouse;
Our wish-lists were sent with care through e-mail
With hopes St. Nick would scan them without fail.
The children lay snug with quilts over their bods
While thousands of songs played on their iPods.
Switching off lights throughout our abode,
I looked forward to shutting down to sleep mode.
When from the home office there arose such a clatter
I nearly tripped over the three-prong adapter!
My flat-screen monitor came on with a zap
Disturbing our cat from its long winter's nap.
When what to my wondering eyes should I see
But a diminutive hologram -- in perfect 3-D!
I found myself start to go weak in the legs
When I saw the strange figure, and eight prancing JPEGs.
He'd updated his look, but anyone would know
That this jolly pop-up was St. Nick 2.0.
More rapid than DSL his icons they came
And with Flash animation he spelled out each name.
"Now eBay! Now Netflix! Now Powells and Amazon!
On Kozmo! On SafePets, PayPal and Half.com!"
He halted his team with a series of whistles
And I looked at Kris Kringle, now made from pixels.
His coat was as red as the Scarlet Pimpernel
And he wore an arm splint to prevent carpal tunnel.
He dragged over his pack from a close data port
(And, frankly, could've used some lumbar support).
He moved swiftly across my computer's desktop
And opened some Zip files with a sound-effect "pop."
Booting up the mail software, he moved quick as a fox
And downloaded gift credits into every inbox.
He glanced back my way, and with an emoticon wink ;-)
He compressed himself before I could think.
But he left a sound file, as he departed our lives,
That said, "Happy e-holidays! Back up your hard drives!"
curt.Holman@creativeloafing.com
Survival of the Hippest
CL's Holiday Guide 2006
- The Holiday A&E Top 10
- Trailer-trash holiday-movie preview
- The gift of the gift set
- Shopping for the arts, the crafts, the cool
- Recipes that kill at holiday gatherings
- A holiday download
- How not to make a Christmas movie
- Cookbooks as gifts
- Surprising new holiday albums from Bette to Bootsy
The Holiday Guide to get you through the season
As our cover for this year's Holiday Guide suggests, we're searching for some sweet relief from the stress and strain of the holiday season. It just may be the best and most challenging time of the year. How to get through it? This year's package of ideas offers readers more than fun options; it offers a shot at surviving. Consider...
Movie guide
It's not quite "The Year Without a Santa Claus," but this holiday season seems surprisingly sparse for big, prestigious, award-seeking films. Arts and Entertainment Editor David Lee Simmons and film critic Curt Holman size up the trailers for upcoming films in search of both likely Oscar-bait and family-friendly hits. You can find the trailers at such websites as YouTube and...
Boxing Out
This season's gift-set offerings include collections of the legendary, the pioneering, the sacred and the profane. Never before have TV series gotten so much of the wrapped-up treatment. Here is the cream of the crop ... Michael Jackson – Visionary: The Video Singles (Legacy/MJJ Greatest Hits), $149.98 Most of Michael Jackson's best video singles, including rare remixes and alternate...
Artistically inclined
Remember when your parents' hearts went pitter-patter for your pinch-pot ashtrays and glitter bookmarks? There was a time when your life was ruled by the spirit of DIY, the notion that something handmade carried more heart than anything store-bought. Recapture those good ol' days and avoid the mall entirely by making this season's gift-giving all about the indie craft. Even...
The guest list
FAMILY GET-TOGETHER Sure you love your family, but they still drive you absolutely batty -- especially around the holidays. Regardless of your efforts, Mom always complains that nobody is helping; Dad farts while basting the turkey; and Grandpa curses like the WWII seaman he is in front of the kids. It wouldn't be the holidays without them, so how to...
