Colin, Dick and Jack
The Republican right puts on a show every day that is weirder than anything the director of Fahrenheit 9/11 could imagine. If I were a Republican politician these days, I'd make sure I had a tan and a good haircut in case some hidden Moore wannabe decides to catch my shtick on video.
I'm particularly reeling from the sight of Colin Powell in construction worker drag, singing and dancing to the Village People's "YMCA" at an international security conference in Djakarta a few weeks back. Five other U.S. diplomats impersonated the rest of the Village People.
The Village People was a 1970s disco band that smuggled a queer sensibility into mainstream culture. Its members costumed themselves as icons of masculinity -- the cowboy, the leather master, etc. Gay men of the time were playfully butching themselves up in such garb with the hope of seducing, as the title of another song put it, a "Macho Man." Before it became the theme song of the U.S. Diplomatic Corps, "YMCA" was an anthem to one of the most common places gay men went to meet one another for sex.
So, here we have six mucho macho diplomats in service to the man who wants to amend the U.S. Constitution to outlaw gay marriage prancing around a stage in leather and feathers like 1975 party boys on Fire Island. Makes sense. Look for future performances by Boy George Bush and Madonnaleeza Rightwing.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, another macho man, Vice President Dick Cheney, came unglued during the annual Senate class picture. He gave U.S. Sen. Patrick Leahy a tongue-lashing for criticizing Halliburton's war profiteering. Cheney was formerly CEO of Halliburton and has been accused of arranging lucrative contracts for his former employer without allowing other companies to bid.
In a classic game of "I Know You Are, But What Am I?" Leahy reminded Cheney that he had called some Democrats anti-Catholic because they oppose Bush's anti-abortion judicial nominees.
That in turn prompted Cheney to bark an expletive. The media labored for hours debating whether Cheney said, "Go fuck yourself!" or "Fuck off!" It's wonderful to see the people who didn't bother to ask hard questions about the Iraq invasion parsing an obscenity like it was code from Osama bin Laden.
You will recall that the Bush administration was shocked-and-awed when John Kerry had the temerity to tell Rolling Stone last December that Bush had "fucked up" in Iraq. "That's beneath John Kerry," the president's chief of staff, Andrew Card, said sanctimoniously on CNN. "I'm very disappointed that he would use that kind of language. I'm hoping that he's apologizing at least to himself."
As usual, acts of penitence prescribed Democrats -- even apologies strangely made to the self -- are unnecessary for members of the GOP (God's Own Party). After the vice president's outburst he ran to the nearest microphone to explain that he felt better, so, you know, it was OK. Republicans too numerous to itemize congratulated the veep for the "integrity" expressed by his righteous outburst. This occurred, incidentally, on the same day the Senate, still suffering from the sight of Janet Jackson's breast, passed the Defense of Decency act. It allows the FCC, headed by Colin Powell's son Michael, to increase fines for broadcast of obscene material -- like Cheney's, I mean Bono's, use of the "f word."
And I know you're wondering the same thing I am. Has Michael Powell seen the video of his father impersonating a gay man impersonating a construction worker? Well, its subliminal advocacy of the homosexual agenda is indecent! Next thing you know Colin and Donald Rumsfeld will be the stars of a womanless wedding in Boston.
The most engaging recent bit of macho-man theater of the absurd is courtesy of Jack Ryan, the former Republican candidate for senator from Illinois. The Chicago Tribune sued to acquire his divorce records, which revealed that he took his wife, television actress Jeri Lynn Ryan, to sex clubs in Europe and America where he allegedly pressured her to perform sex acts in front of other people.
Gasp!
Before his fall, Ryan boarded the family values bandwagon. "The breakdown of the family over the past 35 years," he explained, "is one of the root causes of some of our society's most intractable social problems: criminal activity, illegitimacy and the cyclical nature of poverty."
Well, it's now clear he believes preservation of the family -- indeed the end of hunger and shoplifting -- depends on exhibition-style fornication. You see, Bill Clinton's problem was that he didn't invite Hillary to watch while he teased Monica with that cigar. Nothing cements traditional family values like public sex.
Why do conservatives hate America? It seems like they dishonor everything we hold in esteem. They insult the sanctity of marriage by turning it into a sex club sideshow. They refuse to restrain their profanity in the sacred halls of the Senate. They wiggle, jiggle, dance and prance to homosexual music. Why? Why do conservatives hate America?
Cliff Bostock is in private practice. Reach him at 404-525-4774 or at cliff.bostock@creativeloafing.com.
