Cell phone vigilantes

GRIM RIDES: "Grim Rides is a group of funeral car fiends based in the San Francisco Bay Area. You may have noticed that we are a small group. That's OK, because as the saying goes, 'It's Quality, not Quantity'. Besides, up here in Northern CA, all the hippies used up all the poor funeral cars long ago. What survived got toted away by various hearse dealers and we're left with a rather skimpy selection." Scrolling through the individual pics and pages you'll find Wes who finds them "sexy," Amy the Hearse Queen (who was 'hearsecuted' by the local Cadillac club) and much more at www.grimrides.com/. The best part is the slogan on the front page, complete with graphic, "I miss my ex, but my aim is improving!"

CHUMP CHAMPS: Geek Boy Services, ayup, no joke, Geek Boy Services at www.geekboyservices.com/. Their tag line: Emergency Silicon Valley Fabulizing. And it only costs $1,000. "Here's the deal, you commit to spending seven hundred dollars of your money on clothes and shoes for yourself. You pay us three hundred dollars. We'll help you choose your look, find your scene, and develope (sic) your style. You'll have an insider's view of this city, boosted self confidence and a great time with a girl you can question on the sly. Additional services include booking hair appointments, massage therapy, manicures, etc. and help with furniture shopping for your pad." Hmmm, for my grand I'd like someone who can spell develop.

RAVING LUNATICS: From the tart folks over at I-mockery.com I'm pleased to bring you the world's first anti-rave site:

www.i-mockery.com/antirave/main.asp.

If you're a raver with tender feelings, skip this page because you will be mocked. Run, don't walk to the link to idiot ravers as well as the Frequently Asked Questions Guide. Not to be missed is the Raver Cocktail page. For example, Crack-o-Minty-Pop-Rox: "Put Crack Cocaine rocks into Coca Cola can and shake vigorously. Insert one Junior Mint into each nostril and inhale as much as possible so that the mints will be lodged well inside your nasal cavity. Now drink the shaken Crack/Cola mixture but DO NOT swallow. Hold your mouth closed tightly and hold your breath until you are just about ready to pass out. Just before you are about to pass out have a friend slap you on the back while you still keep your mouth closed tightly. The Crack/Cola mixture will be forced up into your nostrils and will shoot out the Junior Mints with amazing speed." Folks, do not try this at home, it will only irritate your nasal passages. Fact: ravers put on breathing masks smeared with Vicks Vap O Rub on the inside in order to achieve some sort of weird high. Get a life! In our buy-one-get-one-free 'Mock the Raver' segment, don't hesitate to stop by the Retarded Candy Raver Random Image Viewer and have a look-see for yourself at

www.wiskate.com/rave/raveframe.htm.

HANG-UP, NOW! If you're a big fan of the bumper stickers that say, "Hang Up and Drive" you'll be even more moved to happiness by stopping by www.phonebashing.com/.

These guys will sneak up on you, take your cell phone from you and smash it into the tiniest bits in front of your eyes. Oh, did I mention they will be dressed up in foam cellphone costumes? I should have, because they are. Make sure you have a viewer because everything available on this site is a movie. So, if you think you need your cell phone, be on the lookout for wild, mad, crazy phone-killing freaks!

WELCOME, ALL MILITANT NONVIOLENTS: "The "Beaver County Militia" is a militia for those that are "nonviolent," but are militant about being "nonviolent." And will fight to the death to stay "nonviolent." We are secretly located in Beaver County, Pa. We believe in the United States as it was originally intended by our forefathers. They came here to enjoy greater oppression than they could anywhere else. (After being kicked out of every decent country in Europe.) Now we are involved in our greatest struggle. There are those that would have us give up our principles for a little convenience and comfort. Because of this, we are called many things. Fanatics, nuts, racists. Let me assure you we are not racists. There are two things we do not abide. Prejudice and old women that dye their hair blue. (Jeez, why do they do that?) We come from all walks of life and therein lies our strength." This is a parody site, folks, parody. This is not a real militia. Check out the commentary on the current election status and the explanation of the 'clapper' vote changer at members.tripod.com/sonoguy/.