The pitch: A disgraced network president (Nicole Kidman) seeks solace in the Connecticut suburb of Stepford, where the domestic-goddess housewives prove too good to be true. Will her mousy husband (Matthew Broderick) be tempted to trade Kidman in for the improved, servile, sex kitten model?
Better than the original? Negative. The unpolished but efficient 1975 thriller tapped into timely feminist issues and retains the power to shock. The would-be comic remake generates one new idea -- the notion of assimilating a gay couple with a "Stepford husband" -- but crashes every time it goes for humor.
Best line: Bette Midler's bohemian, best-selling novelist has recently published a book about her relationship with her mother titled I Love You, But Please Die.
Money shots: A techno-nerd husband demonstrates how his wife can literally imitate an ATM. As Stepford's alpha wife, Glenn Close leads the other ladies in square dances, Christmas carols and housework-inspired aerobics. Nothing gets a bigger laugh than the unholy mess of Midler's decidedly non-Stepford household.
Fashion statements: In effect, the clothes make the movie. As a career woman, Kidman favors dark, dowdy suits, including a high-necked black number that makes her look like the host of "The Weakest Link." The Stepford wives favor pastels, floral dresses and cascades of blond hair. Among the men, Brooks Brothers suits stand for conformity, and when their wisecracking gay pal (Roger Bart) throws out his bright Gucci and Versace shirts, Kidman and Midler suspect the worst.
Product placement: Old-fashioned brands like Charmin, Alpha-Bits and Bounty reinforce Stepford's dream of consumerist heaven. When one of the town's masterminds mentions he worked for AOL, Kidman asks, "Is that why the women are so slow?"
Flesh factor: Broderick ogles life-sized monitors with nude, featureless templates of the town's female citizens. But while Stepford fillies like Faith Hill prove perpetually hot to trot, all we see is leg.
Cameos: "The View's" Meredith Vieira hosts one of Kidman's battle-of-the-sexes TV game shows. Larry King plays himself in the epilogue.
Body count: One "fatal error." (Spoiler warning! The film waffles -- to the point of complete incoherence -- about whether the wives have been replaced or reprogrammed.)
The bottom line: The Stepford Wives updates the original with references to gated communities, reality shows and robotic dogs (the film's crappiest special effect), but amounts to nothing more than a predictable, 90-minute Martha Stewart joke. As a perpetually grinning, empty-headed Xerox of a smart, strong original, the sequel turns out to be a Stepford movie.
